Lulu Lunacy

Between Ashlee Kersting and You Laurie Rhodes Maloy March 23 at 6:34pm And please don't punish Sonya for anything I said. Those are my feelings. Not her's and she has no bearing on my own mind, thoughts and opinions. I feel very betrayed and don't understand why you would think that's okay to sneak by with. Put yourself in Sonya or my place. How would that feel? I will tell you this, I have never done or would even think of doing such a thing, and believe you me, I have 2 horrible ex-husbands (the girls' dads) and their families to deal with, but by god I did what was right for my girls, regardless of the sacrifices I had to make or the discomfort and inconvenience I had. That was part of the deal of having kids and not being with the dads. They have a family, my job was to keep the connected to those families. I am very proud of all I've done. My girls always came before me. And now my grandbabies do as well. You have no idea how muc...

Kristina Falkner March 23 at 9:29pm (to Cajun D.) I think I have to block you for the time being, I'm really sorry about it, but your mom has gone off the deep end and I don't want any connections that she can see me on for the time being. :P (*James' Sister sent this inbox msg to Cajun) Laurie Rhodes Maloy: Wondering why we didn't get to see Dakota... Ashlee Kersting it was a trip for us and for our family to see our baby Tue at 1:01pm Laurie Rhodes Maloy Dakota is also OUR Family and we are HIS Family. Tue at 5:11pm Ashlee Kersting still, the trip was for us. Tue at 5:43pm Laurie Rhodes Maloy Why is nobody thinking of Dakota? I don't understand why it has to be this complicated and hostile feeling when you were essentially down the street. You (as in James as well) can't erase the reality that Dakota has a family who loves him, regardless of our financial and life situations that restrict us from access to him ...

Originally Written by the13thcynic December 24, 2008 at 4:01 AM This is the second year in a row that I haven’t wanted to put up any Christmas decorations, not even a single string of lights. Actually, it’s the second year I haven’t decorated for Halloween either. I used to LIVE for Halloween, and decorating for Christmas was a wonderful, glittering, colorful, blinking array of Holiday happiness flashing, sparkling and chiming the bitter cold, dreary darkened days and dirty slush and back aching shoveling & back breaking ice away for a few weeks every winter. I wonder how many other people are like me. I celebrate Christmas, it’s not a religious thing, but I just haven’t felt the desire to decorate for it. And I don’t miss it. Yes, some of it is depression, I am manic-depressive and winter always makes the depression seem heavier and stickier inside me. But something else is going on that I just don’t understand yet, why is it so easy for me to just not c...

Originally Written by the13thcynic December 26, 2008 at 2:14 AM Over the last few days Tony has developed pneumonia. I don’t have to tell you what that means. He’s been sleeping almost constantly. He talks in his sleep. Words you can’t understand, but he’s having conversations, I believe with whomever will be helping him cross over, some of his family believe this too. How could you not when while he’s been awake, he’s told us details of ‘visitors’ he’s had, describing family members he’s never seen. And everyone has heard the footsteps in the hall, the whispering of ones own name, and just tonight, the front door, under an unknown force, opening quite deliberately and to a wide berth, then stopping firm, followed by an electric chill distinctly separate from the wintry weather outdoors that even after the door was shut tight up again by a puzzled family member, had crossed the room and concentrated itself next to Tony’s bed where he lay sleeping. His only reactio...

Originally Written by the13thcynic December 28, 2008 at 3:47 AM A couple of nights ago C* and I were watching Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel on this particular episode they were at the old WV prison and one of the stories they mentioned was about an inmate who died from a drug over dose. C* was puzzled about how that could happen (obviously she hasn’t been paying attention when we watch ‘Lockup’ on MSNBC!) she’s been under the impression that prison is just that, prison. You can’t get drugs. I told her, yeah, they can smuggle drugs in all sorts of ways, even though the CO’s have procedures and try to keep up with all the new ways of getting drugs smuggled in, it’s pretty much a game of wits & they keep coming up with new ways to get and do what they need. In fact, during the time my (estranged) Husband has been in prison, he’s personally known 2 people who have died from a drug overdose. C* looked at me, scrunched her face up and said; (referring to ...

Very few people publicly lay their intimate and personal secrets out for anyone to stroll by and read about, especially when it involves mental illness and/or learning disabilities, although there are a few, notable celebrity and/or higher profile individuals who have come forward and made it a little less of a dirty secret. Particularly when someone is trying to create and maintain an impression of intelligence and normalcy. For example, if I say I’ve seen a ghost, my story is taken seriously by more people whether they believe it or not, they believe I experienced something I can’t explain. Now if I say I saw a ghost and they’re aware that I am Bi-Polar (I am), they’ll most likely immediately dismiss my story entirely, believing I couldn’t be a credible and trusted witness with something like that clouding my ‘normal’ judgment and rationality. The same thing goes for other situations where if someone knew a person was autistic (I’m not) they would probably not consider ...

I'm tired of feeling tired. Tired of taking meds all the time. Tired of having to convince my shrink & Dr. I need the Xanex and I'm not just a pill popping druggie. Tired of not being able to NOT take my meds. Tired of not being able to get to my shrink as I need to and having to fight with my daughter about using her car to go absolutely ANYWHERE! I mean, my shrink & shrink Dr (and even regular Dr) are IMPORTANT, it's not like I'm going to window shop at Pier 41. I don't go to the reg Dr. because of the co-pay (it's very small, but it's dinner sometimes) and the car situation. I think I've hit a whole nutha level of being Tired of Living. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of nobody understanding me and misinterpreting me when I do talk, I'm tired of nobody 'getting' me. Am I really that unintelligible and babbling so psychotically I just *think* I'm making sense and I'm really absolutely Outer Limits? I'm tired of m...

Originally Written by the13thcynic January 12, 2009 at 2:03 AM Only Tony himself, my (estranged) husband and maybe one or two other ppl who ‘know’ me would appreciate that title. Considering the current state of things… So I spent the entire weekend at Tony’s, because obviously, we don’t want him to be alone. He is being taken care of by a wonderful set of nurses and hospice, but the majority of his time is being in the company of his sister (he is still living at his own home, the nurses only come a few times a week), although there are other wonderful family members and one or 2 friends who take a turn hangin’ out with Lord Anthony. He is in bed full time now. He does get up to use the bathroom and wander (with his wheeled walker) into the kitchen to grab a quick snack, but I’m afraid even those brief trips are going to end very soon. He’s done remarkably well, considering. 4 years ago when they told him he was terminal, they gave him 6 months to 2 years, and...

It's too Hard to Live. It's too Easy to Die.

Also posted on my MS blog. Hence the reference (below). 2 subjects I’m going to address, need to address, but they are related. First off, I was surfing around ‘Snopes.com’ checking on something else when I came a crossed this following entry which I will comment further on after you read it and get the subject; http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/wakeup.asp My dad was career Air Force, when I was 5 we were stationed out here, a hop, skip and a jump from an Air Force Base. I have spent most of my life living under Hill Air Force Bases flight path. I have seen countless fighter jets and cargo planes punctuate the sky above us almost every day. I’ve been woken up countless times at 3AM by a Galaxy gliding overhead and sounding like it was landing on my house rather than just taking off (that whine and drone is the sound of nightmares when you’re 6 or 7!) the glass in the windows shook. I remember when the jets were still ‘allowed’ to accelerate to the point they crea...

Wendy O. Williams’ suicide note; The act of taking my own life is not something I am doing without a lot of thought. I don’t believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm. Love always, Wendy She died April 6/1998 If you don’t know who she is, remember, Google is your friend!

Originally Written by the13thcynic February 7, 2009 at 12:38 AM I don’t claim ‘Damage Control’ as one of my occupation for schiesses and giggles. I picked up that career when my oldest went to live with her Dad’s family. Doesn’t look like I’ll be retiring anytime soon. My granddaughters have been staying with C* and I the last few days. Because their mother and father both are in jail. Again. Now we’re faced with the very real decision of whether or not to take steps to permanently take custody of them from their obviously inept parents. These babies cannot keep living like this and watching their parents routinely being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car. Not to mention the bullshit that’s going on to bring about these repetitive and unannounced visits from law enforcement. Days before this latest trip to the clink, she miscarried twins (she was approx 12 weeks), which, god knows, was all for the best. I know how she lost them. Well, I can’t say how 100% ...

I grew up in a Middle Class family with only one other sibling. My Dad was Air Force (then worked on base after retiring) my Mom didn’t go to work until I was around eleven, nursery work (flowers, not kids) and retail. We lived good, but I was far from spoiled. We never bought a ‘new’ car, only used, used the same furniture until it literally fell apart, etc. My parents were pretty minimalist and plain of taste, only reasonably priced, but sturdy and durable, no worry about color or matching kitchen chairs or replacing the early 70’s wallpaper, wood paneling or floor tile. The one time we got new carpet it was replaced with the same color and only because they had considered selling briefly. We never had a dish-washing machine or drapes that went with, well… anything. They too, were only for function and lasting power. Anywho; with that as a background, I wondered at 16 if what I’d heard about different classes of people not really matching up together (like in all th...

Originally Written by the13thcynic March 5, 2009 at 12:40 AM As I’ve written a bit about in previous posts, I’ve gone through quite a broad and deep transformation as far as religion and spirituality goes. I was just sitting here surfing around totally unrelated to anything religious or spiritual and suddenly realized I might not want there to be an afterlife. I’ve been thinking more and more that I may just not care, as long as I don’t have to be aware of living anymore, if that makes any sense. I’ve spent 40 years trying to learn and grow as a spiritual being with the constant belief in some kind of afterlife, and that being ‘released from my earthly/flesh bonds’ would be the greatest thing to ever happen and I’d flit around the Universe in Spirit forever having a smashingly grand time. I think I just want sleep. Rest. Shut down. Stop. Cease. End. I want Oblivion. Very soon.

Originally Written by the13thcynic April 2, 2009 at 2:27 AM I have a thousand subjects/experiences/opinions/thoughts I’m eager to put down here, which is why I created this blog anyway, but there’s so much I want to start with that the words get piled on top of each other again and again, burying my once simple, planned, brief subject of the moment. So I sit here most nights trying to force my head clear and shake down the mess of wordy words into a manageable, neat blog post. But now here I sit just blogging about the problem of…. blogging. Maybe I should start with disclaimers. I am not looking for any kind of sympathy. I’m putting all this down and together here for pretty much the same reason as anyone else does; I want to believe I am being ‘heard’. I want to feel a part of something and leave my little mark of my collection of wordy words. I also feel the need to leave it said and done for something inside myself. Some things need to be said, told, set free an...

Originally Written by the13thcynic April 4, 2009 at 2:30 AM Do you ever stop and think you could actually live the rest of your life (however long or short it will be), eventually cease to exist and be ‘Unfinished’? Things that 20 years ago lay before you waiting to be accomplished and/or experienced and here you are, pausing for a moment and that potential and passion that once was, catches up to you, making you acknowledge it did at one time exist but is now faded and catatonic, life never breathed into it. Never will be. Now this, too, is for now, unfinished…

Originally Written by the13thcynic June 14, 2009 at 2:12 AM I’ve said before, I’m not the world’s best speller, and my grammar is off the mark somewhat often… but people, at least I TRY! Every single day I’m on here reading updates, headlines and captions that would send even a 6th grade teacher into a psychotic rage! Most of the offenders are these whipper-snappers (anyone 23 & under) who are growing up with all the internet & texting abbreviations filling up more of their experience that the 10 word spelling test once a week in class. I remember a time when my biggest (vocabulary) peeve was people using ‘big’ words out of context. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m also guilty of that (that’s why it bugs me so much, I guess) and the other things I’m talking about, but NOT TO THE EXTENT I see it now. What adds salt to the wound is there are SPELL-CHECKER applications/add-ons/programs that sit stealthily right in your browser and empower you with the ability to learn how t...

Originally Written by the13thcynic October 2, 2009 at 12:57 AM ~Alcohol.~ Some can completely lose who they are, as they consuming it, it consumes them. I drink. I love my beer. It does not rule me. It’s like I said when I was using… ‘They’re (we’re) already dead. They just don’t know …it yet. Walking zombies, waiting to cease to exist. Deadening the pain while killing themselves.’

Originally Written by the13thcynic October 6, 2009 at 5:13 PM I cannot be serious. Seriously. I can’t. I keep trying and it never works, I just can’t BE serious. I can fully appreciate serious and situations that are… I can understand it, hold it, feel it, express it in other ways, I just cannot *be…have* nor verbally reply seriously unless I really fight to accomplish such. Felt the need to see it in words. Carry on then. I am not stupid. I am not shallow. I’m not unfeeling nor simple, clueless, ridiculous, uneducated, uncultured or ignorant. I’m just me. Which is a bit more than a bit much to take for some.

Originally Written by the13thcynic November 2, 2009 at 1:55 AM First, you need to remember I was adopted at 6 months of age. I was talking to my mom today, we talk almost every day, and discussing my Nana in England’s (my Mother is British) 100th Birthday on Nov. 6th and that she and my Aunt Jane (who still lives in England) had been discussing what to include in the local newspapers little interview they do with all the significant birthdays/events, like where she grew up, what she did as a job, etc. and my Mom says to me that they discussed ‘this & that,’ ‘and that she has one Daughter living in Wroxham and a Daughter living in the United States.’ Period. That was the end of it. This didn’t completely shock me, in fact it took a few seconds to register, because I’ve been through this before. Being dis-included, that is. In something as monumental as my Granny’s 100th Birthday. Because I am her ONLY Granddaughter, (the only other ‘Grandchild’ is my adopted Brother; m...

Originally Written by the13thcynic November 2, 2009 at 3:20 AM A while back I relayed the tragic and historically inaccurate tale of what I have come to love and accept and refer to as my FrankenArm. It was worse at one point, it was FrankenZombieArm when it was melting off nuclear green allergic reactive flesh. Anywho, I admitted in those blogs that I hadn't quite told the whole truth about how my beloved FrankenArm came about. For the sake of historical accuracy, I will do the best I can now. I did break it in a fall, but the fall was helped along by my 15 (at the time) year old daughter. She and I were in the midst of a heated argument after I found out she was lying to me about some activities she's been involved in. Push did come to shove and when she landed on the floor, she began kicking out and slapping at me, she slapped my glasses off at which point I backed up and began extricating myself from the area, my brains had kicked in and alerted me that this s...