Lulu Lunacy

I asked myself recently if it had been my dad and not mom that lived on after May 2007, and he then came down with something as disastrous as mom's brain tumor, necessitating that I be put in a position to be the logical choice to move out here. I thought on this, but it was brief. There isn't much to weigh. Despite everything. The fear, the pain, the shame, the destruction... I would have done it anyway.  It would be a huge adjustment, for both of us. I can only imagine the awkwardness, silences, tiptoeing, recalled trauma, constant triggers, horrible memories.  But in a way, I want that experience. What would he have said, done? How would that have even played out? Would it even have come up? Or would it end exactly how it did in May 2007, with not a word spoken, not a gesture, not a hint something was written down somewhere, ...nothing written down and stashed away somewhere. No apology, not even an acknowledgment. 

Must haves:  Masks, cloth, even a bandana works.  Gloves, if you can get them without gouging into essential worker PPE.  Lysol and/or Clorox spray and wipes.  Liquid bleach. Spray bottle for mixing w/ water. Laundry detergent. Canned food/non perishables. Small freezer and CAREFULLY and gradually (no hoarding) stock it with meats & frozen veggies. Assess your household protection. Dead bolts, WORKING window locks, outdoor lighting, obstacles to window access (thorny bushes), gate locks, weaponry at your comfort level but with safety and training. Keep all vehicles locked and empty (no keys, laptops, cash, etc)  I wipe down my mailbox handle for both our protection. My mail person is a lifeline.  Keep electronics charged, extra chargers. Consider a solar charger, solar emergency radio, panels for energy to your home.  Try to keep bills paid up.  Gatorade, Powerade, Pedialyte. Stock up gradually but do not hoard. Bottled water. Of course, toile...

My Aunt & Uncle called just to tell me they'll be thinking of me tonight and tomorrow, as will I them.  A year without Momma.  I absolutely feel her absence every single day.  I still randomly grab the phone to call her, I still want to fix her a plate when I cook, I still think I need to brush my teeth, hop in the car with Toby and go sit with her at the nursing home, I still think of little treats and decorations and anecdotes to take with me and share with her.  I miss her telling me not to kill "her" spiders in the house, watching Murder, She Wrote and Hart to Hart ad nauseam. Her crush on Tom Selleck, Jeremy Renner and Captain Jack (not Johnny Depp, just Captain Jack) Sparrow.  How she tried to learn how to put my hair in pigtails, drove me to dance class (drill) for years, sewed Halloween costumes, and tirelessly (it seemed at the time, until I did it myself) packed, managed, conducted, cleaned, re-packed then unloaded and put away camping & fishin...

Dear neighbors; Don't shoot me, I'm not a commie, I just lost all my flag decorations and forgot to buy more. Luckily, I remember what Country I'm in when I wake up every day, so I've got that going for me. I used to have my cool wooden door flag, but I'm not sure I packed it 2 years ago in the absolute flurry of activity moving from Northern Utah to here.  2 J4's ago, I was in a hospital in Grand Junction while my mom had her brain tumor removed. I watched fireworks from the motel on the day of surgery (3rd) and from mom's 9th floor recovery room in GJ on the 4th. 1 year ago, my mother was on her way to completing her Earthly journey, and the very last thing I was thinking of was tacking up trinkets to appease judgy people. Again, I'm "blessed" that I can still instantly recall what Country I am in at any given moment, except for the day after I get to England or home from England.  And Denver airport.  Something's going on there, man...I ...

Them: Do you get your protection from Jesus? Me: No. Bigger than Him. Higher than Him. Them: You can't get any higher than Jesus. Me: You're welcome to stay on that level, but I not that restricted.