I grew up in a Middle Class family with only one other sibling. My Dad was Air Force (then worked on base after retiring) my Mom didn’t go to work until I was around eleven, nursery work (flowers, not kids) and retail. We lived good, but I was far from spoiled. We never bought a ‘new’ car, only used, used the same furniture until it literally fell apart, etc. My parents were pretty minimalist and plain of taste, only reasonably priced, but sturdy and durable, no worry about color or matching kitchen chairs or replacing the early 70’s wallpaper, wood paneling or floor tile. The one time we got new carpet it was replaced with the same color and only because they had considered selling briefly. We never had a dish-washing machine or drapes that went with, well… anything. They too, were only for function and lasting power.
Anywho; with that as a background, I wondered at 16 if what I’d heard about different classes of people not really matching up together (like in all the movies) was true. I wanted to believe the movies and fairy tales. Who wouldn’t? I know now what the saying ‘Water seeks it’s own level’ really means and that no, rarely, if ever, do the classes mix in a harmonious and beneficial ecstasy. At least no where around me.
I’d also dreamed of finding that rich, hansom prince, but at the same time, I did make my own money and rely on myself, always furthering my knowledge and growing as a person. I’ve fallen repeatedly on hard times that have all but knocked me back to almost square one as far as finances and possessions go. It’s happened so many times that I have recently come to believe that we are pre-destined to live in a certain ‘role’ throughout our lives. Some get to go from nothing to wealth, some the reverse, some chug along middle class all their lives, happy as larks. Some have a wild roller-coaster ride to all extremes. Me? When I start getting too comfortable, too happy, too ‘above my station’ I get knocked back down. I’m attempting to move against some set law in the Universe that will let me push/expand it to an extent, like the Universe does, then snaps it back in place when I attempt to step out of my place.
It makes perfect sense to me. I get it now.
I think realizing this, approximately a year ago, was also when I became aware that I was slipping away from my beliefs. For the first time, just 2 weeks ago, I openly admitted that I am Agnostic. That hurts in a way. I loved being a Spiritual person and all the trappings that came with it. I had felt I was growing and expanding and thinking for myself. I was raised Protestant. My Mother is Anglican/Church of England, my Dad LDS but never claimed it nor set foot in a church of any kind let alone ever said word one about his beliefs. In HS I dabbled in Satanism. Then I went completely the other way following a group of ‘Deliverance Christians’ speaking in tongues, breaking away in our own group, throwing out our concert T-shirts and my unicorn collection. Then I converted to Catholicism. Hot on the heels of that was Voudo; you can’t really be a good Voudoun unless you’re Catholic! WitchCraft (not Wicca) followed that, and there I thought I’d stay happily, until… I exceeded my Station in Life. Again. And again. I fought it and fought it, and therein lies my problem. Stop fighting.
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