Lulu Lunacy

A friend asked if Traditional Marriage supported inequality and dominance of one over another, I answered; Marriage was never meant for equality, it's a business transaction, ownership and property rights over another. He then asked if there was any way (IMO) it could be reformed to be positive and a true partnership; I'm sure there is, something in the best interest of all involved including children and keeping each persons individual and equally important family heritage. I think the answer may come from Gay and Lesbian couples in reforming marriage to be an equal joining and not a hostile takeover. You have no idea how often (almost daily) a FB friend says something like 'My Husband won't let me do that.' 'My Husband wouldn't like that.' 'My husband will get angry when he finds out.' STILL, in 2010! All this subservient crap! A lady had her car window smashed and purse stolen out of her car at my Daughters work last week, she was TE...

"In Greek, the letter Χ (chi), is the first letter of Christ, and it, or the similar Roman letter X, has been used as an abbreviation for Christ since the mid-16th century. Hence, Xmas is sometimes used as an abbreviation for Christmas." The X in Xmas   SEE THAT? HUH!? SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PEOPLE USING THE 'X' IN XMAS!!! And have a lovely day :)

I shall not celebrate 'Christmas' anymore; instead I celebrate Dies Natalis Solis Invicti "The Birthday of the Unconquered Sun". Otherwise known as the Winter Solstice.  There is NO Christmas. There is only ZULE!

Do not shame someone in death. We know not the journey they have had nor the path that led them to their passing, nor the pain they carried that they tried to cloud and had to smile through. Hope that some may be saved from the same fate and some may open their heart to understand and not judge. We are all equal, at no time more so than in death. Its so sad to me that people who die of AIDS, addiction, suicide or an accidental death like asphyxiation get a pathetic line like 'a sudden illness' like the truth is shameful and to me, that is making the person who died look like they're ... ashamed of them and what they did in their life. Don't let their life be entirely defined by HOW they died, but don't shame them and it when the simply stated truth could save someone elses life or teach others more compassion and understanding. I told my girls if I die on the toilet while constipated, texting and gorging on giant marshmallows, don't make somethin...

I call this The Rant Warning. I never claimed to be brilliant, so I couldn't figure out how to insert text (hence, this post) in the same post the previous picture/link was in. DEERRRR me. Anywho, there sits before you (in the previous set of posts; 'Beat That Dead Assed Horse!' and 'Pick & Choose') the second trigger for a serious angry rant by the same FB 'Friend' in less than 24 hours. I had kept their posts 'hidden' on my feed, but taken it off yesterday after feeling guilty. That's what I get for thinking. Also, I know it's obvious when I wrote the reply comments on FB I DID NOT publish them.  I reconsidered, both times.  I do not wish to make the person who originally posted them feel personally attacked, they were, at one time in HS a friend of mine and I have no personal problem with them, just their view points. I also try to not splatter too much of my own opinions (stop laughing) on FB, well, at least not on OTHER people...

(Text accompanying posted video/link); A Song Some Radio Stations Are Banning; The song you are about to listen to is from a Las Vegas Diamond Rio concert. They received an immediate, resounding standing ovation, and continue to do so every time they perform it! Sadly, major radio stations wouldn't play it because it was conside red "politically incorrect." Consequently, the song was never released to the public. So, America , see what you think.. If this offering speaks to your heart and you feel you want to share it with friends and loved ones, please do. THIS IS GREAT - PLEASE LISTEN TO IT AND THEN PLEASE KEEP IT GOING! Length: 3:38 http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1346852362322 *They have no right to ban this song!makes me mad!!we can listen to what ever we want! (*Comment made by the 'FB Friend' who posted this link along with the above video and accompanying text.)  (My Reply); It's not 'banned', some sta...

Have I not entertained you with my life's tragedy laid bare upon a sun bleached rock, like a rib cage split wide to reveal the soft, wet and beating heart? Have you not felt the cold on my breath as I spoke; be my heart, frozen, black and witches mirror obsidian's dead reflection... ~LRM

The only thing I have to say is I have always tried to be a tolerant person, recently I've decided to actively improve my attitude as well. I love you if you're fat, skinny, gay, straight, vegetarian, carnivore, christian or atheist, black, pink, chartreuse, brown or ocher. If you're a good person, that's all I look at. You behave like a dick and spout garbage, I'm not going to like you so much, but that's your business, I'll just stop talking to you, not try & beat & yell my opinions and beliefs into you. I just ask the same live & let live in return. I got where I am through my own experiences as we all have and I'm exactly where I need to be. Somebody telling me I need to do or think or act like this or that isn't going to change me, I'm going to change me. I answer to the most terrifying and important master I know...myself. In the end, I have to live with myself and what I've done and that's all the motivation I need.

I will be losing my internet and cable TV (same company) probably in about a week. Had the Granddaughters over the weekend, loved every second of it, took them out to Antelope Island for the day while their mother is in jail >:( until Wed or Thurs ( Lets see if she gets her shit straight this time. I'm not holding my breath)  Spent over my budget, but wouldn't change a thing. I had so much fun, think they did too. I know Cajun did. Plus with the ending of Cajun's child support, we just lost 1/3 of our monthly income. It is what it is. Going to enjoy it while I can :)

Written as a group message to some wonderful FB friends; Just between this group, and nobody feel sorry for me, because I'm the crazy lady who needs her cable & internet even tho' I'm in the financial straights I am (but I've finally decided I need to have it scaled down again, I did a few months ago in anticipation of this change coming up, but it's not enough). When Cajun turned 18 we lost her child support which was 1/3rd of our household income. It's quite a whack. Plus I've been giving her extra the last 4 months to get her car running as she's the one with more of a life than I :) The end of the month is always shitty. Going to the food bank entails more trouble than it's worth most of the time and they always have such a sad dish out. I mean, beggars can't be choosers, but if it's a bunch of stuff I cannot use, it's past dates and stuff I haven't got the other items to make something with, it's pretty pointl...

Religion or belief does not make you a better person. Your heart, your mind and your compassion for others does. Being human does. Jesus must lurk in jails, prisons and behind sofas while Satan prefers hiding behind bushes and frequenting bars, apparently. Only an idiot would believe in and trust a person by their church attendance/involvement. If I told you how much further ahead in life I would be now if I had 'conformed' you'd poop yourself, that is, if you believed me, because I pity those who need religions skirts to hide under and hand to hold while they suck their thumbs and pretend to think for themselves, convince themselves they're thinking for themselves, but refuse to take off their sheep's wool out of fear and repression and pressure. I am accountable to myself, in the end. It's me and only me who has to live with what I do and say in this life. The article that prompted these thoughts; VA executes Woman  

Booty Bishop This article has the links to the actual lawsuits filed. What I want to know is WHICH Bible verses/scripture were used to justify these acts. And sadly, oh so many people will either continue believing/supporting this 'Bishop' and/or 'forgive' him and fawn over him even more like closet case meth head Ted Haggard and ALLLLLLLLL the rest of them both known and as yet, unknown. These are MEN, people. JUST human men. Nothing special, just like Presidents, politicians, Prime Ministers and Generals, they're JUST MEN. Like baseball players, singers, football players and actors, still, all JUST MEN. JUST Human Beings JUST like YOU and ME. (A related note;) All due respect to those who believe, I've come to realize myself these same men who are 'just humans' wrote all these religious books and continue to reinforce these religious beliefs, laws, rules, telling us what to think, believe, see or not see, do or not do. What to eat, read, sa...

In the richest Country in the World; It's kinda sad I'm not so alone in this anymore, I have mo' po' fwendz! Poverty Increase Poverty/No medical Ins rates by State

Doug Stanhope; (Via FB/C.S.) “Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out ear ly.” FB Wall quote/post (Via R.S.) After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone"?

"I do so desire the warmth of oblivion, the familiar comfort of darkness and the embrace of the grave..." ~LRM

Bluntly and honestly, I don't know if I will live through this Winter.  I don't know if I want to.  I have had a Winter like this before and I was honestly surprised I lived through that one. That was 1999, it actually started in May and lasted until Feb or March of the next year before beginning to lift, November-January was horrific for me though.  I'm also conflicted and upset that I just can't express my true thoughts & feelings on my FB page and have to 'sneak off' to my Blog to vent.  I don't need the comments. I know I can disable commenting on my Wall and Status', but then I'd get weird inbox messages instead.  I'd say this life of mine has been a total failed experiment and should be terminated.  I feel I need to start the Self Destruct countdown and get everything in order and everyone situated...meaning as prepared as possible without freaking them out.  I'm more of a hindrance, they'll all do just fine without me :)

There is nothing more inherently evil than religion itself and believing in a deity who's words men can interpret any manner of ways, twist to fit their own agendas and justify the same. ~LRM

(referring to the FLA Pastor and his 'Burn The Qur'an Day') Burn the Qur'an = serious threats of death and violence? Yeah, makes perfect sense. As they dance in the streets on 9-11, burn our flag, Bibles and people. They are making us pussy's. Scared and walking on eggshells. While I agree this guy is an idiot for doing this, isn't that an American right? Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD but, sorry, I'm an Atheist. It's just a book. They (people who are offended and outraged by it) chose their own reactions. A book on fire is not MAKING anyone respond in any way, that is an individual choice. How they respond, is all their own actions. I worry about repercussions on Americans because of this...which goes to show one thing, who and what these 'radical' or 'devoted' Muslims really are and what is really their motivation. Its a shame we have to live with that fear of violence instead of them respond...

"There isn't enough Novocaine to kill this pain, not enough alcohol to drown it all, I'd sold my soul for a Frozen Black Heart. It manages still, to bleed right through." ~LRM

by LRM on Monday, September 6, 2010 at 11:02pm It takes a village...to WATCH and PROTECT our children. More importantly, watch the people around them. So sad you just don't know who to trust anymore to be the watcher or the watchee. People guard their purses, pocketbooks, handbags and wallets more closely than their children. They lock up and alarm their homes and cars and park vehicles under lights and take up 2 spots to keep them safe from burglars and dents while letting their children walk alone to friends houses where they don't know the family members, friends, other neighbors who are there. They call police when someone is outside their home peeping but not when the 'nice man from church' has their children over all the time ALONE in his home and little Jimmy comes home and says he was shown a naked lady or had his picture taken in his bathing suit. I think humans are the only mammal that is so careless with their offspring. I'd venture not m...

*This was just a lovely rant about why I was deleting people and why I shouldn't have wigged out when some deleted me and have been 'accommodating' to an extent as not to offend and drive some to delete me. I just catch myself censoring my words when I shouldn't have to. I should just let people do as they wish as far as deleting me. Also there are some people I've added that I tried to just go with their differing beliefs and viewpoints, but when I start getting spammed and seeing things that piss me off, my FB isn't my happy place anymore. I like to think I am a tolerant, kind, diverse, open minded person, but when I don't feel I'm getting the same respect back, or that I can just flat out express my own personal opinions without having to defend myself, it's time for a cleaning. I am still growing and learning but when I'm getting opinions I don't want & didn't ask for shoved at me, I get pissed. I try & live & let live, b...

*I wrote these during a conversation about eating meat, vegetarians, animals, etc as I had just watched The Cove and was discussing it with FB friends.  I totally understand. It's so difficult to separate them, a life is a life, I lean to the Native American belief (Voodoo as well) that the Earth gives sustenance and we must only take what we need at the same time giving back (replacing) there is a balance and a circle of life and food chain. It's hard to be an omnivorous human with a respect for life, but I've learned what my body needs and what it has evolved for. I would feel evil saying a dolphin is more conscious and self aware than a cow, the only difference is cattle were bred into what we have today specifically for food, although the sheer volume now is destroying the environment and land not to mention being pumped with hormones and treated cruelly, I support Kosher Beef whenever one can find it. Perhaps we should go back to deer, taking only what we need and ma...

 Dear DUMB people. Please go back to a) School and b) MySpace I am sick of your blatant ignorance and obvious complacency and even arrogance of your own stupidity and closed minded, stunted personal growth. Yes, I am blunt and even rude, I have a very low tolerance for wanton idiocy. I tire of accommodating you. *** Dear brain damaged, self-centered, idiot HUMANS; Lions, Elephants, Dolphins and Monkeys are WILD ANIMALS not toys. If you must watch animals on display and performing, go to a concert or an MMA match. No other animal uses other animals for profit, amusement and to own, cage and display dead OR alive. *** I Am The Angel of Gloom. ***  

I never watched it before because I thought it was pointless to indulge 'celebrities' a luxury and peace of mind I'll never have. But for some reason I decided to watch 'Who Do You Think You Are?' on NBC. People (celebrities, sports stars, public figures, etc) go on a well plotted journey back through their ancestry discovering their roots. It's utterly fascinating. And for me, utterly heartbreaking. I was given up for adoption at birth, taken into the custody of the State of Kansas (fostered) and adopted by my parents at 6 months of age. I do have a copy of my 'original' birth certificate, and Kansas is an 'open record' state, now, note this; in as far as the information was given correctly/truthfully. I've been told my BM (Birth Mother) was a single, un-wed mother (the story of how I was conceived is a bit torrid) 19 when I was born and living at the Crittenton home for unwed mothers. The research I've done ...

I will be posting links to the mental illnesses I suffer from one at a time, in no particular order. Just in case anyone would like to learn more about any individual disorder or just my brain in general :) Just remember, like anything else with individual people, illnesses present both some similar and original characteristics depending on the person.  Social Anxiety Disorder; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

Full Moon, clear, dark sky, crisp, chilly air, jets flying over; It's a beautiful night...don't tell me I'm starting to like this place.

No kids going back to school today for me. One went to work, tho' :) I do hope my beloved Grandson, Dakota is having a wonderful First Day of School. I don't know; 'they' are back to not letting us have contact with him again :( Yaya loves you, my Main Man ♥ Always and Forever no matter what 'they' say, no matter what happens. Shaping up to be a crappy day. No phone, important calls to make, off my Lithium for 2 days now (ran out, can't get to shrink Dr. to get more yet) dead broke, loan payment due, well, technically overdue; went to the cupboard and you know the rest.

I think I just discovered the root (ha-ha) of my Radish obsession; My Grandad in England used to grow them and we'd have them with Tea. He was a very calm, stable energy in my life, added to being in a place where I was happy and felt not only comfortable but alive. 28 years. I've been searching for that again.

A very intelligent friend I respect very much queried this; "...how about we spend 600 Million on helping illegal immigrants BECOME legal and educated citizens rather than stir the pot of ignorant gear and hostility towards people ONLY wanting the same that our Great Grandparents wanted for themselves...?" W.W. To which I unexpectedly purged myself of this... We actually need to do both at once. JMHO. Secure the border(s), document the ones here and background check, and GO AFTER the ones here who are criminal (other than being here illegally). Give them a warning to get back a cross the border (drug, murder rape, robbery guilty) seal it up, watch every one who goes (so we know if they come back) while we're legalizing everyone else so they can STFU about racism and 'oh, but America was founded on immigrants', make it a crime to hire illegals and a law they need to do SSN checks (I had mine stolen and used by an illegal in SC) when they hire.I may se...

I broke up with the BF again. Details were at 11, on FB. On another note, I wiped clean and requested a delete of my MySpace profile I've had for 5 or 6 years. It's blankness is still floating around, it's been over a week and they still haven't taken it completely off. Never trust the MySpaz. Which is why I deleted everything on it just to be sure. http://www.myspace.com/cyn13ic

Today's fun (technically yesterdays) consisted of spending my last penny. On food of all things, lol. Humans should have evolved to run on one meal a day by now, sheesh. You know, like ancient vampires, the older they get, the less they need to sustain themselves. Or Alligators. Or Pythons. You know what I mean. So I come home with the groceries and realize I forgot to buy a Coke (my one addiction). Nice. In the mean time, some of the LHS gals are getting together again at Boston's for drinks and I'm having a little pity party because I didn't get a personal invite. Well, DUH! Did you SEE the pictures from the actual reunion and after party at SB's last weekend? They must think I'm a complete circus freak! So I kept posting dumb Status updates on FB essentially whining about it all. When I snapped out of that ridiculousness I ended up deleting 90% of what I posted all day. Duh, Laurie. Just...duh. I did get a 'Hey, go with me' from TS but I don't kno...

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-09-22-flavored-clove-cigarettes_N.htm I know this is 'old news' the instant BAN went into effect last Sept. But I recently had to deal squarely with the reality, not only did I smoke my last Djarum, it was also the day after Peter Steele died (in his honor...thank goodness I had one left-I brought some home the last time I visited my Mom in CO. last July! See, I made them babies LAST! ) I watched Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay again last night. While they were getting stoned w/ George W. Bush, he said the wisest thing I have ever heard him say (even though it wasn't really him); H or K said ; 'I don't know if I trust my Government any more.' Fake GWB said; 'You don't have to believe in your Government, just believe in your Country.'

Why Peter Steele Mattered - Culture - The Atlantic

The theory that this has already happened aside; If ‘we’ clone a Human, and they ‘turn out’ ‘normal’…aside from being a carbon copy in looks of someone else whomever they were cloned from…I’m curious how a ‘cloned’ Human gets it’s Soul? Obviously I’m asking what the Christian/religious explanation would be. And for that matter, how do ‘test tube’/’petrie dish’ and other laboratory created embryos get their Soul? If Life starts at the moment of conception, (as some believe) does ‘God’ then zap a Soul into the dividing cells in the lab? So far they (babies/people who came into being this way) all seem to be just like everyone else conceived/born in the regular/Biblical sense. They cast reflections & don’t scream & run from churches or burn from Holy Water, so when did they get their Soul? How are the rules different for them? Then the cloning thing…do people with certain beliefs fear Human cloning for deeper reasons such as a step closer to dis-proving these beliefs? ...

Originally posted elsewhere April ‘08 In the dog world, if you own a purebred show dog, they must remain unaltered/NOT spayed or neutered, so they are referred to as a ‘Bitch’ for Females and a ‘Dog’ for Males. Although it’s taken me a while, I finally found a program that is helping me with the cost to have Toby neutered by his own vet, which I am very pleased with, because its close, and they know Toby since they are his regular doctors. His appointment is Tuesday morning. He is half Chihuahua and half Miniature Pinscher, he has an amazing personality for a ’small dog’, he loves people, isn’t shy or yappy or nippy or weird and I have been asked a few times if I am going to breed him. No. He IS a great dog, but since he’s turned one I have noticed a little change in his attitude/behavior and its typical male, testosterone induced behavior. He’ll be much happier and more relaxed being neutered, and healthier. Dogs don’t live in their minds like humans do, so he won’t be ...

I have been a member of one of the popular social sites for a few years and thought I would be content with my blog there. It seems I have not only outgrown it, but desire some degree of anonymity that is impossible on a site I’ve filled with high school friends, in-laws, ex in-laws, cousins and children. These posts are still part of what I’m trying to express of myself in a broader blog experience. Some of it is also background info I’m honestly too lazy to re-write, and don’t see a good reason to if it’s there already and I can slap it on up here easily. That’s the short answer.

I’ve been going through some old stuff I wrote and I’ve been shredding a shit-load of papers that I can’t really do anything with, they’re just taking up space. 99% of what I’ve written has never been read even by my Family, etc. even though they all know I’ve been writing since I was 6. And it’s not anything I consider publishable. I’m starting on my funky collection of books too, I have shelves & shelves of books no one else will read here, so I’ll take them to a used bookstore so somebody else can enjoy them as I have, I hope. You have no idea what a pain in the butt it is to box up and move all these books, so that’ll be a help when I move again. I hate moving. Anywho, I’m not putting them up for any reason other than maybe if they’re floating around on the internet, they’re not completely erased and it is easier to store them. There is some selfishness in that, obviously. My little collection of words will live forever in the black hole of the internet; I just can’...

I recently got into a discussion with someone on a forum about suicide and why I think it really is a Personal Choice and an individual’s right and not a ‘selfish, cowardly act’ as many people want to insist. Now, I’m not arguing this point here, just expressing my own thoughts by re-posting most of what I had written on the forum our conversation here; My kids, Grandkids & eventually Great-Grandkids (I call them collectively, ‘My Babies’) are the reason I think about NOT staying around. That’s a long explanation. Its nothing they do, it’s that I perceive that I am hindering them in some way…I know exactly what I mean; it’s just hard to explain to others… Like I tell my shrink, I’m ‘here’ (alive/in this world) under protest. I want to go, but I’m too attached to a few earthly things…perhaps one day I will transcend this materialistic addiction. Like the Buddhists try to achieve. Release. Free. Me thinks some ppl outstay their usefulness here. ‘God’ (or who/whatever...

I wrote this when my First and now oldest Grandchild moved out of State to live with his Father, he was 4 and a half. He was and is the only boy, I also have 2 Granddaughters. I see them. All the blessed time. I haven’t seen him since May of this year (‘08) and because of a situation I will elaborate on in another entry, I cannot and have not spoken to him since then. Only heard his sweet, angelic voice over my Daughters’ cell phone speaker. I wrote this freethought (what I call it; you’ll soon pick up that I don’t give a whoopsie about ‘rules’ and ‘structure’ when it comes to my writing.) 11/18/2007 12:33 am My heart is breaking. I just want my heart to stop hurting and my head to stop talking… It feels like I’m screaming in my head and it won’t stop, (its constant, constant, waking, sleeping, thinking, not thinking…screaming, screaming, screaming like background music, a soundtrack that has no beginning, no end, no pauses, just goes on and on) and at the same time I’m...

I was raised generic Protestant. My Mom is Church of England my dad was raised LDS but distanced himself from it long B4 I came along. I do not know why exactly. I never knew any of his views on religion, God, etc. I grew up here in LDS Zion. Never felt the need to join (don’t believe it). I was always (from age 4 is the youngest memory) had an interest in the occult, supernatural, etc. At 20 I converted to Catholicism. I studied Demonology and also became involved with a pentecostal/evangelical break-off born again christian group(s), I essentially wanted to learn about religion. Something was still missing/not ‘clicking’ with me, there’s more out there. I started studying VouDou and Witchcraft (started w/ ‘Wicca’ and decided it was too adulterated) and reading/learning what I could about the older religions, tribal religions etc. Something seems familiar with them but I’m still searching. As for Speaking in Tongues; soon after I began doing it, there was a debate with ...

The following was written by me on or about New Years Eve 0f 2006-2007. I do not belong here. Anywhere? I am not comfortable here. I am not accepted here. I am not understood here. I am not wanted here. I am barely needed here. I am merely tolerated here. I am mostly sad here. I am not happy here. I am not doing any real job here. I am not listened to here. I am not appreciated here. I am ignored a lot here. I would not be missed here. Only briefly. It wouldn’t leave any permanent change to anything or anyone. I do not feel loved here. I do not feel safe here. I do not feel whole here. I have really tried. I have done what I could. I have asked for help, for guidance, for hope for a sign, a way, a light, an idea, for faith, to believe, to understand. I’ve searched, I’ve dug, read, pondered, dreamed, thought, wrote, talked, listened, begged, screamed, silenced, meditated, divined, wandered, prayed. I’ve gave all I could- gave it up to ...

…I’m just very empty and have nothing for anyone else.

On top of a mountain in a huge castle there lived a VAMPYRE…. And HE SUCKED! Fin~

*My Mother is British, and she knows some cute rhymes & poems I grew up hearing, this one is my very favorite, I couldn’t hear it enough…wonder why:) There were Three Wicked Old Witches Who found it a source of delight To ride off on their black brooms And carry out mischief all night Folks found their cabbage uprooted Their runner beans twined from their sticks Their watchdogs unchained from their kennels And other unspeakable tricks! One night they were chased by a policeman And tried to fly off to the moon But as upwards they dived They never arrived As they ran into a barrage balloon!

I have a box frozen up shut tight It lets in the dark and squeezes out the light It holds my heart both day and night I will not let it beat again Hourglass holds god-cursed sands Spilling from my trembling hands Grains of breath encased in glass Fear not Darlingheart All ends have a start

I do not want to Feel. I want my Heart Frozen. I do not want to Love. I want my Heart Black. I want it locked in an iron box and sank to the Ocean floor. If I could live without It...

This could have just as easily been written to describe me as well. From childhood’s hour I have not been As others were - I have not seen As others saw. ~Edgar Allan Poe

Assorted quotes I am fond of from Peter Steele, the rest of Type O Negative and quotes they have passed on… “You wanna call me a pussy? I say you are what you eat!” ~Peter S. introducing the song ‘Wolf Moon’ at a concert. Had I not known I was dead already, I would have mourned my loss of life. ~Ota Dokan (1486) Betwixt birth and death, every breath regret. I pity the living, envy for the dead. ~*P.S./TON I love you for hating me, I hate you for loving me. Save yourself. ~* No Hope=No Fear. ~P.S. Place Not Your Faith in the Deeds of Others; For What is Given, can be Taken Away. ~P.S. Don’t Mistake Lack of Talent for Genius. ~* Gravity…Killing Me; Gravity…Crushing Me~* Suicide is Self Expression… ~* Cold Winter Winds that chill my heart/With sleet and snow/Not from the North, come to this glacial abode/But from your dimension/Cryogenic Limbo./I’m Freezing. I’m Frozen. Its too Late. ~* A Crimson Pool so warm and deep, lulls me to an endless sleep. Your hand in mine,...

*I wrote this for a friend who’s Dog had passed away. (Originally Written August 2008) As your tears wet her fur that in past shed so incessantly I write you these words, thinking she might approve. Bless the paws that muddied your pants Bless her nose that wet your hand with its sneaky touch Bless those velvet ears that twitched to your voice She’s being scratched on her neck by Angels this night Bless those legs that ran beside you Bless those precious noises she made only for you The snorts, the whines, the sighs the yaps… Bless that mighty tail with a life all its own How it wiggled her rear with the power of its movement… Bless the memory of all these things and all that she was to you That piece of your Soul she earlier took away with her She’s got it there waiting, for when you come to walk her again.

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God will not help him. -H.L. Mencken The Heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it? -BIBLE, Jeremiah 17:9 What other Dungeon is so Dark as ones own Heart? -Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables The Maxims of Men Disclose their Hearts. -French proverb

My amazing Grandbabies. I’ve loved you before I even met you, and it only grows just as you do. Transcend the dark and acrid; embrace love, honesty, family, truth and happiness. We are bound to you in blood, love, spirit and mind. My heart beats with the same strength and rhythm and soul that helped create your own. I will always be here when you need me. Gods and Angels watch over and protect you, listen to them, when they say ‘Yaya loves you’, and you smile, my heart will feel it no matter where we are, how near, how far.

The four most abused, mangled, adulterated words being used over and over again in America currently, and actually, for some time now. Its heard loudest within the political headlines and voices, but thats just because they get the most air time. I’m hearing it everywhere, in myriad situations from gossip between friends to criminal court cases. Sure enough, words and actions can be ‘taken out of context’ when one snips a brief moment from a video or audio clip and presents it as hard core proof of whatever point. But all one usually has to do is watch/listen to the full recording and get the whole picture. In these cases, its very easy to see/hear that what someone said, is, actually, exactly what they said. Why then do they still go on and on about how what they said is being ‘taken out of context’? Bullshit. How stupid do I look, seriously? Everytime you utter this phrase you insult my intelligence even more and not only piss me off, but hack away at any respect I should...

Death has come knocking; not for me, but at my request. I grab my jacket and walk out the door with him. I have questions I need answered, there are things we need to talk about. He can take a few minutes and humor me over a latte or whatever it is Death sips on to keep warm. So you see, Death and I, well, he has some explaining to do to me.

He told me to rip my beating heart from my own chest and place it in his hands. And I did. He is my drug of choice, the addiction that seizes my breath within my lungs. He is my God and my endless legion of Gods. My blood forged Idol I built up and formed within my soul, with my own hands, my own voice, my own stubborn, relentless force of will. He is my created Evil. My own Monster who’s iron gates I never intended to lock. The razor I allowed to be embedded in my heart that slices with each beat. He is Mine. But He was never Mine. He is the poison near my lips I crave. The tempestic waters I step into just to drown myself over and over. He is where I will land when I finally step off and let myself fall… And He is the edge I stand on. If I let Him go…He won’t be Mine. If I let Him go…who will I be? Who was I before Him? Where will I go? Will I remember how to breathe? Think, Feel, Speak, Dream without Him? He is Mine because I call Him Mine…my Heart knows I lie. My soul k...

I write you letters I write you spells Still you insist Into my mind you must delve I hear the ticking Hear it too Is it the clock Or my heart frozen blue Sending fever written notes Bleeding my soul on the parchment The only way I can dare To whisper these things to you By candlelight Spurred by suffocation of night I sit And I write I touch you in my dreams I hear the silence of your screams Dare not let you look upon my face Frigid stare upon alabaster skin Your blood stains my chin My icy lips I resign myself to sending these letters Forever writing as I sit at this old desk Sending you pieces of me My soul…What is left of it Walking alone The wet, steaming streets Night People huddled under gas lamps In doorways, watching cautiously Flashing trash neon Beckoning the despairing ones Stench of smoke and whiskey Clinging to my dampened clothes I see them Yes, they see me But choose not to I only see you When my eyes close at daybreak The essence...