I never watched it before because I thought it was pointless to indulge 'celebrities' a luxury and peace of mind I'll never have. But for some reason I decided to watch 'Who Do You Think You Are?' on NBC. People (celebrities, sports stars, public figures, etc) go on a well plotted journey back through their ancestry discovering their roots. It's utterly fascinating.
And for me, utterly heartbreaking.
I was given up for adoption at birth, taken into the custody of the State of Kansas (fostered) and adopted by my parents at 6 months of age. I do have a copy of my 'original' birth certificate, and Kansas is an 'open record' state, now, note this; in as far as the information was given correctly/truthfully. I've been told my BM (Birth Mother) was a single, un-wed mother (the story of how I was conceived is a bit torrid) 19 when I was born and living at the Crittenton home for unwed mothers. The research I've done claims places like these routinely changed things such as BM's first and/or last names and dates. The name listed for my BM is so common it's almost laughable. The only other info is the State she was born in. No 'Father's' name or detailed information at all besides that.
Anywho, without drifting off too much, you get the idea.
Most very likely I will never come in contact with anyone else on this planet I am biologically related to.
This makes me feel very incomplete and sad. I feel unfinished.
I have only the barest slivers of information to piece together what very little I do 'know' about who I may be and where I may come from ancestrally.
Several Christmases ago, I actually asked to have one of those ancestral DNA tests done. I never got it but I still think it would be an interesting addition to me being *ME*.
I have tried over the years to do what I was capable of to find somebody. Anybody.
I don't work with limited funds, I worked with no funds.
A few years ago I decided to give up.
As far as I know, they aren't even looking for me. I've been the child of an Air Force family and in the same place for 37 years, not to mention the information I have openly put out on the internet in case someone WAS looking for me.
I actually don't care about any living 'relatives' anymore. I just want to know where I come from. How I got here and what interesting little stories are in my ancestral history. I want to feel like I did belong to and come from SOMETHING. Not just plucked out of a ditch where I was formed from gutter foam or something.
Then I continued thinking about being unfinished.
So many, many things about me are unfinished.
So many, many things about me will stay unfinished.
Nothing has turned out the way I imagined or would have hoped.
From the small and insignificant, like my tattoos, I have a couple I would like fixed, and a few I would like added so I feel I'm 'complete' as odd as that sounds. I have one daughters name on me and not the other. that leaves me feeling horribly unfinished.
All the way up to big things like who would ever want to be mentally ill their entire life and know that it's slowly shifting and even worsening? Where did that come from, genetically? That would be nice to know.
I have no idea if I should be cautious of cancer or heart problems at a certain age. That would also be nice to know.
I have lived incompletely, I have been loved incompletely.
I just exist. Exist and will remain unfinished.
It's the only consistent thing I have, how unfinished my life is always has be and will be.
And for me, utterly heartbreaking.
I was given up for adoption at birth, taken into the custody of the State of Kansas (fostered) and adopted by my parents at 6 months of age. I do have a copy of my 'original' birth certificate, and Kansas is an 'open record' state, now, note this; in as far as the information was given correctly/truthfully. I've been told my BM (Birth Mother) was a single, un-wed mother (the story of how I was conceived is a bit torrid) 19 when I was born and living at the Crittenton home for unwed mothers. The research I've done claims places like these routinely changed things such as BM's first and/or last names and dates. The name listed for my BM is so common it's almost laughable. The only other info is the State she was born in. No 'Father's' name or detailed information at all besides that.
Anywho, without drifting off too much, you get the idea.
Most very likely I will never come in contact with anyone else on this planet I am biologically related to.
This makes me feel very incomplete and sad. I feel unfinished.
I have only the barest slivers of information to piece together what very little I do 'know' about who I may be and where I may come from ancestrally.
Several Christmases ago, I actually asked to have one of those ancestral DNA tests done. I never got it but I still think it would be an interesting addition to me being *ME*.
I have tried over the years to do what I was capable of to find somebody. Anybody.
I don't work with limited funds, I worked with no funds.
A few years ago I decided to give up.
As far as I know, they aren't even looking for me. I've been the child of an Air Force family and in the same place for 37 years, not to mention the information I have openly put out on the internet in case someone WAS looking for me.
I actually don't care about any living 'relatives' anymore. I just want to know where I come from. How I got here and what interesting little stories are in my ancestral history. I want to feel like I did belong to and come from SOMETHING. Not just plucked out of a ditch where I was formed from gutter foam or something.
Then I continued thinking about being unfinished.
So many, many things about me are unfinished.
So many, many things about me will stay unfinished.
Nothing has turned out the way I imagined or would have hoped.
From the small and insignificant, like my tattoos, I have a couple I would like fixed, and a few I would like added so I feel I'm 'complete' as odd as that sounds. I have one daughters name on me and not the other. that leaves me feeling horribly unfinished.
All the way up to big things like who would ever want to be mentally ill their entire life and know that it's slowly shifting and even worsening? Where did that come from, genetically? That would be nice to know.
I have no idea if I should be cautious of cancer or heart problems at a certain age. That would also be nice to know.
I have lived incompletely, I have been loved incompletely.
I just exist. Exist and will remain unfinished.
It's the only consistent thing I have, how unfinished my life is always has be and will be.
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