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Becoming Atheist

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Re-posted from my Facebook status.
Being without cable TV leaves you with some interesting lack of channels to surf through, so I stopped on something with Kirk Cameron blathering on about his thing and I'll tell you what, America, if Kirk Cameron came up to me and started haranging me like he did the (carefully picked, I'm sure) "Atheists" and "non believers" who accordingly wilted and stammered under his totally awesome line of questioning, I would hit him so hard with a cattle prod he'd wake up back in the 80's.

I used to be one of these Born Again Jesus Freak Bible Thumpers. They are disturbing as well as disturbed.

(Friend commented);  What snapped you out of it?

I eventually saw everyone (I was Jesus freaking with) was fake. Or, more accurately, human. I also read a lot. We believed in deliverance, pretty much that demonic entities could slip on into you for every little fuck up, the whole world was a hostile and evil place to be protected from and mentally wrap yourself in bubble wrap and hold out a cross in front of you.
I found a book on old occult history and info, because I needed to know what I was up against since I was involved in the actual deliverance process and blessing/exorcising of homes. You had to be able to identify them or you couldn't get them out, kind of like what you see in the exorcism/possession movies the last few years. So this book went on to explain the word daemon, I learned about Gaia and Tiamat all kinds of ancient creation stories and "savior" stories. I also read something about the origins of the word...it was either (it's been 20 years, I can't remember but, duh, I'm online, I should look it up) messiah or Christ but it was originally supposed to mean "the God within" and not an actual person named Jesus Christ. That's when I started studying all kinds of religions and belief systems and they all have such a heavy element of control and submission. That just naturally goes against who I am and always have been. I'm bossy, stubborn, obstinate; I went to the tribal religions first, Voodoo, because I thought Witchcraft (I NEVER called myself a Wiccan) was too trendy, but I eventually went all the way there, even integrating Voodoo with Witchcraft. The more I studied Witchcraft, the more it became just more of the same rules to follow etc. people arguing about the right way to practice and which tradition, what tools you needed, words to be said, what to wear what time of month, day, direction etc. to do work. When my life just kept getting shittier and more out of control, I fought more to find something to help me fix it, and nothing ever worked. I didn't want to be without a belief system because what is there after that? I had no idea what I would lean on. So I said fuck it for a while and was Agnostic. Didn't care if there even was something to believe in and sure as shit didn't know. I was actually scared to wake up one day as an Atheist. Then 5 years ago people began dying. Brother-in-law, my dad, Sister-in-law and finally my dear friend Tony. I watched 2 of them die. I saw what it did to the people around them and still what it's doing. Then you just think. And think. What kind of god would let this happen (or more correctly, do it) and say, yeah, you ain't gotta know why. I said so, that's why. And why would we possess these questioning minds if we weren't supposed to understand anything? That whole 'gods plan is beyond our understanding' shit is just that, shit. Hell no. Not when your mind is insisting yes, you should be able to understand these things if you have such a strong desire to do so. What the fuck is the logical reason for everything being a mystery only god knows and only god needs to be bothered with. I answer to me, at the end of every day, after I've made my choices and actions. I have to be okay with what I did, said, didn't do. No dude in the sky ever came & comforted me when I was in pain or brought me the books I needed to learn. It just makes absolutely no sense to me that we cannot be privy to our own fate or have the answers to the questions we want and have to beg & ask & bargain (relinquish control of our OWN lives and being) for dumb shit like 'show me a sign if I'm supposed to go to college or vocational school' and we wait wringing our hands for something we can CONVINCE ourselves was a sign because god is too busy having tea with the Pope and making rainbows (even though we know how they're made) while we scrabble at invisible feet and people are (were at the time) blowing each other to fucking bits in Ireland over religion and all the myriad atrocities going on at any given time in any corner of the world.
It boils down to Spock. Logic. None of it was logical.

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