I know some of my other Page owner Sisters and Brothers in Insanity have
been experiencing similar questions from people, and I have certainly
encountered some doubters in my 21 years of being diagnosed, it really
is a constant fight we don't need added onto everything else we deal
with.
So I wrote this on my regular FB profile;
***
It's a beautiful day outside, just like yesterday...and all I want to do is shut down and sleep. Just like yesterday.
I hate feeling like this and I really do try to pull myself out of it and distract myself as much as possible. You know, because I've spent 4 decades listening to well meaning (and not so well meaning irritated and frustrated) people and society telling me to just suck it up, snap out of it, just be happy, just do something fun...so I still try. But I know what the outcome is. MAYBE a temporary distraction, a brief, fleeting glimmer of what could be, but no more. Like a wheelchair bound believer at a tent healing revival; "Rise and walk! Be healed by the power of Jeebus!" They start to stand, their face in rapture, it's happening! It's working!
Adrenaline and wanting it so badly coursing through their numb, useless limbs...then back into the chair they collapse.
The Truth is the Truth. You can't stand when your legs are damaged beyond all medical repair. You can't run a marathon on a ventilator. You can't make a breast lump disappear by buying yourself flowers and watching puppies play. You can't change the color of your skin by snapping out of it. You can't undo a Bull Shark attack when he has your torso in his jaws. You can't push a turned over semi-truck off of you after an accident. You can't do a goddamned thing about Alzheimer or Huntington's or lung cancer with just doing something fun or sucking it up.
I am who I am. I have what I have. I would apologize for having illnesses you cannot readily see or experience, because trust me, I know how much more convincing/impactful it would be if I LOOKED ON THE OUTSIDE THE WAY I AM ON THE INSIDE. I get it. Humans are visual, that's how we judge truth and what to believe and how to judge how we deal with another person (except for when it comes to religion, but that's another subject). You're not sick unless you LOOK sick; you should be throwing up blood out of your eyeballs. That's sick. But it's not always so.
But I'm not going to apologize for it, because m,y illnesses have been evaluated, documented and proven in ways other than an obvious visual flashing neon light.
SO I understand. I get it. But that doesn't make it not real and that sure as shit doesn't make any of it curable by "just snapping out of it" and getting an ice cream.
I wish i could just run outside and enjoy the beautiful weather, the warmth of the Sun, the beautiful sounds of the birds and smell of the lilac bushes a cross the road. But today, right now, I can't. No amount of "want to" helps. Because I have tried.
So I wrote this on my regular FB profile;
***
It's a beautiful day outside, just like yesterday...and all I want to do is shut down and sleep. Just like yesterday.
I hate feeling like this and I really do try to pull myself out of it and distract myself as much as possible. You know, because I've spent 4 decades listening to well meaning (and not so well meaning irritated and frustrated) people and society telling me to just suck it up, snap out of it, just be happy, just do something fun...so I still try. But I know what the outcome is. MAYBE a temporary distraction, a brief, fleeting glimmer of what could be, but no more. Like a wheelchair bound believer at a tent healing revival; "Rise and walk! Be healed by the power of Jeebus!" They start to stand, their face in rapture, it's happening! It's working!
Adrenaline and wanting it so badly coursing through their numb, useless limbs...then back into the chair they collapse.
The Truth is the Truth. You can't stand when your legs are damaged beyond all medical repair. You can't run a marathon on a ventilator. You can't make a breast lump disappear by buying yourself flowers and watching puppies play. You can't change the color of your skin by snapping out of it. You can't undo a Bull Shark attack when he has your torso in his jaws. You can't push a turned over semi-truck off of you after an accident. You can't do a goddamned thing about Alzheimer or Huntington's or lung cancer with just doing something fun or sucking it up.
I am who I am. I have what I have. I would apologize for having illnesses you cannot readily see or experience, because trust me, I know how much more convincing/impactful it would be if I LOOKED ON THE OUTSIDE THE WAY I AM ON THE INSIDE. I get it. Humans are visual, that's how we judge truth and what to believe and how to judge how we deal with another person (except for when it comes to religion, but that's another subject). You're not sick unless you LOOK sick; you should be throwing up blood out of your eyeballs. That's sick. But it's not always so.
But I'm not going to apologize for it, because m,y illnesses have been evaluated, documented and proven in ways other than an obvious visual flashing neon light.
SO I understand. I get it. But that doesn't make it not real and that sure as shit doesn't make any of it curable by "just snapping out of it" and getting an ice cream.
I wish i could just run outside and enjoy the beautiful weather, the warmth of the Sun, the beautiful sounds of the birds and smell of the lilac bushes a cross the road. But today, right now, I can't. No amount of "want to" helps. Because I have tried.
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