You know what? This writing thing, I'll tell you what, it's weird. I haven't figured it out yet. I don't understand it and sometimes it infuriates me.
I wrote my first story, along with illustrations, at 7. It's some weird, strange gravitational pulling (urge) feeling to put pen to paper and make words roll out of the end. Make those words sound pleasing together, to ME, not to some formula or rule or structure.
I don't understand this irritating, conflicted desire to both *show* others what I've written and hide the hell out of it, denying even it's existence. I've actually shredded hundreds of pages because of that conflict over the years. The small, short collection I have left must mean something deeper to me. Maybe a little bit of vanity and/or legacy, that maybe one day my family will finally read something and realize I was just a little deeper or intelligent than they had thought.
Look at me! No! Don't look! WTF is that shit?
Luckily, being on my meds has DRAAASTICALLY reduced my "ability" to write, but that urge is still there, pushing and whining.
So, some of you know I pretend to be a writer. I was a prolific and mildly talented writer in my past. I dreamed novel sized stories, but could never get past the short ones, there were a couple I wrote out to 150 pages with the outline and general story written out, but they died there. It took me years to both realize and then accept, that I was no good at anything but some hybrid of prose and poetry that is heavily non conforming to the accepted rules of writing, grammar and english. My problem is rooted somewhere in one or more of my mental illnesses, I just can't absorb nor comprehend (translate to an understandable example) accepted structure and rules for any type of writing. The words go down on the paper the way they come into my head. They don't want to be amended, they come into my head the way my mind perceives them to be correct and meaningful to what I am trying to express, which in my skewed brain, is the correct form, again, to ME, but maybe not to anyone else....
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