Went to group therapy. Ended up crying about a personal situation. pulled it together to go shop for some foodies. Cried again when I got home.
Remembered the guy in group who told me to tell myself I was a good person as he slid the box of tissues over to me...decided for the rest of the day I'll tell myself I am a good person and remember some good things I've done and that I'm not a monster.
I was and am hurt. My original situation that caused the rift is over and I did what I could with what I had. I followed my mom's wishes to a T. I haven't done anything wrong but convey how I perceived a situation. Maybe I was wrong to be upset about how others chose to acknowledge...and not acknowledge, my mother's passing. I Was in the early days of grief and angrily pushed people away. In all honesty I had been in grief since mom got her diagnosis as it was terminal and could have been 2 weeks or 2 years and I was determined to do exactly what my father asked me to do. Take care of my mother. My only goal was her comfort and piece of mind. I did everything she asked. I spoke to who she told me to speak to. I conveyed information she told me to convey...and I didn't do or say when she told me not to do or say. I followed her wishes.
Maybe I was wrong to an extent. But it felt right at the time. Neither of us were in our right minds and neither of us had experienced what we were experiencing and we had no idea what came next. I remember days I could barely remember to change my clothes, brush my teeth, eat, drink, because I was so focused on mom and being with her for however long we had. I lost 15 pounds. I would forget to call my own children. My hair started falling out. The house went to hell. The yard went to hell. There was only mom.
That's wrong in some eyes, I guess. It even felt weird to me that mom didn't want anyone around but me, but that's what she said. I did what she said.
And I do feel expendable. To some of them. And they proved my gut feelings right. I was expendable. I was the odd duck, the black sheep, non blood. The "adopted one". Working out a perceived conflict isn't necessary because I never really was part of the family anyway.
I know none of this makes sense to anyone. That's okay. It's not meant to. I just needed to say it. I just wanted the smallest acknowledgedment that I was doing my best and that after she passed, an acknowledgedment that she had even passed. I didn't even get a card from half of them. I guess they didn't feel they needed to call or send a card or flowers because I hadn't been calling them, but that's what my mother wanted. I don't entirely know why. I can guess, now that I've experienced the darker side of "The Family".
But beyond all of it, I still do love them all and will continue to love them. I miss them. I wish them well. And I'll mourn the physical and emotional losses of them. I try to think of what my dad would say or think about the situation. I already know what mom felt and thought. She warned me not to "cross" them. But alas...I have.i honestly don't know what I could have done differently without going against my mother's wishes.
Anywho. I will miss them. And I'm crying again.
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