Dec. 18th 1AM babblings…

Re-Posted by the13thcynic

December 18, 2008 at 1:58 AM

Copied/re-posted here from my MS blog;

Just a few words to check in, unfortunately, I haven’t died or been kidnapped by aliens. I am very rarely on here (MS) these days, and even less so on FB (yes, I finally caved in and made a FB page… still dunno why, since everyone is already on here…?) anywho, I’ve been fighting this damned Seasonal Depression I get and am actually doing better than in past years (which is a task, since I’m car-less and have been unanesthetically severed from contact with my beloved Grandson, and since breaking my arm in Feb. I’ve developed a healthy fear of ICE! I’ve already slipped twice, luckily didn’t fall, but in the process of trying not to fall I wrenched my back pretty good, which, of course, is already messed up!) so I’m surprised I’m doing as well as I am, but I’m doing it.
Most of the reason for my absence online is the situation with my wonderful friend Tony. I’ve known him since High School. Several years ago, we found out he was ill. Liver disease (genetic problem) and had some other health issues. Just over 3 years ago he was told his liver disease was terminal, and he was not able to be a candidate for a transplant. They gave him 6 months to 2 years. He’s obviously still here and has done remarkably well, but it has finally caught up with him. 3 months ago he turned for the worse and is now in ‘end stage liver disease’. He is being taken care of at home (for as long as possible) by a wonderful hospice center. He is on constant Morphine and several other meds, is set up comfortably in a hospital bed in his living room and is happily, still with us. He is mostly bed-ridden and must use a walker to get up, but he can still get up, although I’ve noticed over the last weeks those occasions becoming drastically fewer and far between, and much shorter. It’s hard for me to get to him as often as I’d like, and I don’t think its right for me to take time from his Sister’s schedule to have her run me back & forth, so I go when I can. His Sister is just amazing! She works 2 jobs and is staying at Tony’s full time. Even Tony’s ex-Mother-in-law jumped in to help and dedicate her time to staying with him. He’s had some scares with his breathing at night, and any falls would be seriously dangerous for him. He does have oxygen and has days where he needs it. The last time estimate was for 6 weeks, then again, 3 months ago they gave him 2 weeks to 2 months, so we’re doing the best we can with all the time we have with him. He’s hoping to at least make it to New Years, I say spring. Then again, I’ve always been overly optimistic.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this whole ‘death’ thing. This will be 3 people close to me in 3 years. My Brother-in-law in May of ‘06 (shot & killed), my Dad in May of ‘07 (massive brain stem stroke, after living with Crohn’s disease and surviving prostate cancer) and now Tony.
I need to know where they go/have gone. It’s an obsession to me now. I need to understand this process and all the details and of course, I can’t. But I’m still searching.
Along with things going on with Tony, I also realized I’ve been losing interest in MS ever since the ongoing situation with my Beloved Grandson began. My Mother wisely cautioned me that things didn’t sound good from the get-go and I was on a one way trip to getting my heart broken.
I’ll tell you this, nothing compares.
Getting your heart broken over your own kids is bad enough, but it happens. Falling madly, joyfully and completely in love with your first born Grandchild (and so far, the only boy) was all consuming and intoxicating! I was involved with caring for him since the moment I knew he was growing in my daughters’ belly. You know, making sure she ate right, stayed back far enough from the microwave while it was on, went to her Dr. appointments, checked all the recall lists before buying his car seat, I even shaved down both of my dogs before he was born so the hair would be easier to clean up/deal with. It’s safe to say I worshiped that darling little boy. And still do. I could go on for pages and pages and pages about all I’ve done for him, and it still wasn’t enough. When his Sister, N*, was born, everyone was at the hospital with S* & M*… except me and D*. He and I were cuddled in bed, holding hands, which is how he always had to fall asleep. I wouldn’t trade anything for that time with him. N* knows I love the stuffing out of her, and she adores her big brother, I’d bet my last dollar she’s fine with me being with him as long as both of us were happy.
Some of you, who know me best, know I’m not a very happy person. D* is the main reason for most of those moments of happiness that I’ve experienced the last 5 and a half years. He is perfect. He is and always will be my Grandson.
I unfortunately misplaced my trust in some other people. They’ve turned out to be unstable, false and self-serving with their motives, when I had nothing but D*’s health, safety and stability in my agenda, even to the point of surpassing my daughters for his.
These people have taken it upon themselves to deny me contact with D*.
If D* and I had no relationship or he didn’t know me, or he didn’t really like me, it would be understandable, but I have hours of video of him and me and the depth of our relationship. I have the tapes and pictures out where I can see them, but I haven’t been able to look at them. It hurts too much right now.
There was a time when my daughter questioned giving him up for adoption… (You can do that in Utah without father’s consent) guess who was going to take him…?
We don’t even send (by ‘we’ I mean myself, C* and my Mother) him gifts, cards or money because of the horrible things we’ve heard about them not letting him have the stuff or telling him where & whom it came from. We can’t even talk to him on the phone to ask if he received anything. The last thing my Mother sent was a check, and RUDELY, nobody has even bothered to make a simple call, send an email or a note and let us know he received the $ and what they bought for him (he’s in Hawaii, so it’s smarter to send $ and let them spend it all on him, than to buy something cheaper and use perfectly good toy money for shipping !
That crap is just rude. Didn’t anyone teach them any manners at least? My Mom lost my Dad last year, they both really loved their great-grandbabies and were so proud of them, but now dads gone, mom has realized (as we all have) how precious family is and doesn’t want to waste any opportunities concerning them, and this situation is hurting her, which in turn makes me furious! I’ve found myself becoming very protective; emotionally of her now Dad’s gone.
I just don’t understand why some people get their rocks off playing god with other peoples family structures, relationships and bonds. It’s wrong.
They won’t even attempt to discuss this situation like a (oh, I just solved that) normally adjusted (as opposed to dysfunctional and immature) adult. D* came with a family. He came with all of us and you can’t just throw us out or wish us away. That’s the wrong thing to do for D* too! He came with a huge, loving and DEVOTED family; you shouldn’t be trying to destroy a part of him. You should have learned by others experiences, situations like this never turn out good when someone tries to control a child like a puppy or something they own, instead of accepting who he is and who his family is and doing your best to allow him to continue to have the important and meaningful relationships. We spent so much time making sure D* knew who his dad and extended family were and trying to encourage and maintain contact between you all, phone calls and pictures and trying to arrange visits…
Anywho, MS reminds me of my forced distancing from my D*. For some reason (again, they won’t talk to me like rational adults) I am the only one singled out to be excluded from his life.
They even hung the phone up on us when I got on to talk to D* during a call with his Mother a few months ago. How upsetting and confusing was that for D* to have to experience? The things he tells us (those of us that can talk to him) are disturbing. I’m worried sick about him.
When they decided to ‘cut me off’ from D*, they had just made him a MS page so we could see his pictures, etc. I logged on every day so excited to see what he was up to…
Then they started this deal and deleted & blocked me.
Well, I’m going to get myself through the Holidays, with Tony and my family here. I’m so worried about my Mom, we were with her last year, but can’t make it there this year. Then I’ll have to let you all know what’s really going on. I have a shining example to share of misplacing your faith in someone. Lets expose them for what they really are then we can look back and see if we’re acting on hatred and anger or acting like responsible adults and respecting someone for not only being blood related to someone, but a feeling, knowing, human being.
Speaking of blood related, I think that’s what makes it more painful to me, and someone that isn’t in this situation (or doesn’t have any compassion & understanding capabilities) may not understand is that on this entire planet, my 2 girls and my 3 grandbabies are all I have as far as genetic, blood relatives. I was adopted, given up at birth. Never have been able to find a birth mother nor any other relatives and most likely won’t ever. My family tree starts with me. And the babies are all I have that I can claim contributing to their lives for. I know absolutely nothing about my background, but I have them.

*I should have put a warning at the top; I took on of my pain pills earlier for my back, thinking I would type a short, quick few words to post on MS explaining why I’m never on there anymore and go to bed… as you can see,it’s not short or quick. I apologize for my muddled and almost non-understandable rambling and babbling!