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Lonely ‘Family’ Holiday (Memorial Day ‘08)

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Originally written/posted;

Monday, May 26, 2008

I know what Memorial Day is. I know what it means. If anyone I knew were buried anywhere near me that’s where I’d be, and yes, I’ve been paying respects to Family/Friends and all those in the Military past & Present in My own way…
But it does suck being alone on Memorial Day when other Families are together barbecuing, picnicking, camping or even just making taco’s (yes, I’ve been craving taco’s for days now!) and watching the Monsterquest marathon on the History channel.
I’m really getting tired of pretending everything is okay.
I’ve been doing that since I was 5 I think.
So if I start going in another direction with things, please, feel free to stop reading. I know whiners irritate the shit outta me, so why shouldn’t I expect others to have the same aversions?
Now I know why kids join Gangs.
I know what I miss and loved most about being a tweeker…
And what one of the appealing qualities of The Mob is…
Family.
In all those 3 examples’ fucked up, twisted, wrong, misguided loyalties and convictions; I do envy their devotion to Family. Biological and self formed.

Speaking of Family; My Brother-in-law was killed 2 years ago tomorrow, the 27th.
Rest In Peace.
In some ways, you’re better off than some of us.

Being alone sucks. Being lonely is even worse.
Not, I’m not after pity. It is what it is, my life has turned out how it has. I’m exactly where I need to be for whatever reason I need to be here.
And my Daughters have turned out the way they have for whatever reason they needed to.

My kids don’t even read my blogs; I could write all kinds of stuff about them if I wanted to. I didn’t want to embarrass them in any way; not meaning talking shit on them, just stuff like declaring my White Trashed-ness, lol, that annoys the crap out of my youngest who likes to pretend I’m/we’re not who/what I am… She can do that. I can’t. I don’t want to.
I always wanted to be an actress…when I was a kid my Mom said I acted like cameras were following me around (I was kind of dramatic) they’re not (unless I’m having an exceptionally paranoid day) but just to make everyone else happy I have been acting.
I want my Oscar now.
This isn’t supposed to make all that much sense to y’all. It makes sense to me and its therapeutic blogging this somehow. So feel free to ignore. Sometimes this is more like online diary entries. But if you really like reading these mind vomits, that’s okay too.

~L

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